I tried LARPing (live action role playing) on Sunday and while the actual event was cancelled and all I did was play with foam swords it reminded me of my more… secret ambitions. I’m starting to get the impression that people think I follow all my dreams, have no fears and am like a super brave thing. I’m not. Obviously. I have lots of secret dreams and hopes that I’m embrassed about. Things I’d like to do that I push down real deep because I’m too scared to pursue them. There’s nothing objectively difficult (compared to the things I actually do) about them, but the dreams are older and more… personal. If I failed I’d feel so crushed I would crumble. Or not. That’s just kind of how it feels.
So, let’s at least make a list (the title is from an Avril Lavigne song I loved when I was 13/14 – I was super embarrassed about loving that album too, until my best mate Avery bought me the album again in, like, 2010 and I got over myself about liking it).
CONTENT NOTE: Some of these are stupid ideas, I’m just trying to clear out my soul (for anyone reading this and worrying)
Things I’ll Never
Sing in a band (original music/regularly)
Have bloodplay sex
Stand as an MSP or local councillor
Train as a midwife
Fly a single-pilot plane
Play roller-derby (regularly)
Visit the continent of Africa
Learn woodwork (build my own house)
Pay off my debt (all of it)
Do a PhD
Go to jail
That’s everything I can think of just now. Visiting a jail would work I imagine. I used to want to break my leg. It’s just good, I think, to articulate desires to yourself so that you don’t surprise yourself. Yes, it’s been a month since I had a therapy session. Can you tell? Need to get it all out of my head.
Right. Time to go home.